Being the parent of a child with autism can, at times, be an intensely stressful experience, one in which you feel there is no roadmap or guidance to help you through as you try to make the best decisions for your child. An issue that is frequently overlooked, however, is the intense stress being a sibling of a child with autism can cause. Here is a brief look at five issues that many children may be dealing with but not discussing.
#1 Question: How do I explain autism/my sibling’s behaviors to other people.
No doubt, there have been moments in which your child with autism has caused you some embarrassment, such as extensive tantrums in public places. But for the typically developing sibling, the embarrassment can be quite different. When he is young, he may not have the language or the maturity to explain to others what is happening. He may feel uncomfortable or defensive around peers who ask why his brother/sister is different. When he is older, he will probably be dealing with typical teenage issues of his own. If his brother/sister with autism attends his school, he may frequently be asked about his sibling’s behaviors.
A good rule of thumb for many parents is: If your child is old enough to be asking about autism, they are old enough to receive an explanation. Giving your child the words to explain why his sibling is different is a very powerful thing. A great children’s book that explains some of the basic issues faced by children on the Autism spectrum is called All Cats Have Asperger Syndrome by Kathy Hoopmann.
#2 Question: Why does my sibling with autism reject me?
Think about your own interactions with your child with autism. It may still sting a little every time you call your child’s name and he/she doesn’t turn to look at you. Beyond the lack of eye contact and/or verbal interaction, your typically developing child may consistently attempt to engage in play activities with your child with autism and be ignored.
Here, too, it is important to give him a vocabulary and help him to find ways that he can interact with your child with autism. At the same time, allow him to have his own interests, hobbies, and parental interactions independent of his sibling with autism.
#3 Question: How do I maintain a “normal” life with the disruptions my sibling may cause?
This question could read: How do I stop my sibling from taking over/tearing up/hiding my things? How do I maintain study habits/required chores or simply relax while my sibling is watching the same sentence on television over and over or engaging in physically disruptive behavior?
Just as we work to help the child with autism develop coping strategies, we must help typically developing siblings with coping strategies. If the sibling is invading his privacy, give him a “safe space” that is inaccessible. It could be a trunk or box for his most valuable items or a specified time each week that he is able to be alone in the house.
If he reports having a difficult time fulfilling responsibilities such as homework or chores, discuss the exact obstacles to completing these tasks and help him work towards a reasonable solution. What may seem like an insurmountable obstacle to your child may be something that you, as an adult, can easily to work to solve.
#4 Question: How responsible am I?
If your typically developing child attends the same school as your child with autism, he may feel responsible for caring for his sibling at school: watching out for bullies, making sure they get to class on time, finding peers to associate with him/her. He may respond to this pressure by overexerting himself to complete these tasks, or by completely withdrawing. At the beginning of each school year you should have an open conversation with your typically developing child about what he wants to be responsible for and what you think is appropriate. Create a list of tasks that are appropriate, and check in periodically throughout the year.
As your typically developing child grows older, he may be worried about issues such as where your child with autism will live when he/she is older, what will happen if you are no longer around to take care of them, or how your child with autism will hold down a job as an adult. It is important to make him a part of the conversations you have about the future for your child with autism.
#5 Question: How can I help my parents?
There are specific points during your journey with autism that will be characterized by intense stress. These may include the initial diagnosis, finding an appropriate school placement, helping your child with autism through a transition, or working to find good therapists.
Your typically developing child may be observing you throughout these and other difficult times, but not fully understanding what is happening. Again, it is essential to have an open dialogue that allows him to voice his worries. It is also important to give him age-appropriate responsibilities if he wants to help (such as reading your child with autism his/her bedtime story or taking the dog out each day.) You should also emphasize that he is also a child who should have time to play as well as fulfill his typical responsibilities (such as homework.)
I frequently read articles or receive e-mail forwards about the gift of autism and the rewards of working with children with autism. Indeed, your child with autism will bring joy to many people over the course of his/her life. But the issues described above must be addressed to help siblings have a positive relationship with your child with autism as well. The answer to each of these questions is as simple as starting a conversation.
*This article originally appeared on www.therapeuticresource.com
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